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Letter to a Fabulous and Confused Woman
silhouette of couple on terrace

Mr. C and I broke up…again. It’s like the saga of Carrie and Mr. Big–without the rich, fabulous life in NYC part.  And believe me, I will not be dragging out any relationship drama with anybody for 10 years–or anything close to that.  One of my good girlfriends asked me how I found the courage to let someone that I love go.  This was my response, and she thought it would be helpful to my readers, so here it goes.

Dear Fabulous and Confused,

I think of my life like a play where I am the main character–or maybe like a concert recital where I share my love, gifts, etc. with other people. Some people earn and deserve front row seats, others the nosebleed seats in the balcony. However, lots of people don’t even get a ticket to come into the theater hall.  If someone is going to come to my play, and be constantly fidgeting and moving, getting up and leaving, being disruptive–and sometimes, sometimes applauding and being attentive and making me feel good–he gots to go.  There are men who can sit in their seats and be there for you and give you a standing ovation.  He may not understand everything that is going on in the play, but he doesn’t leave because it’s too boring, too zany, too unclear, or making more money than his play. He stays there in loving attention and helps you grow, telling you how you could improve, and giving you a front row seat and backstage pass to his play.  Obviously, life is not a performance, but it’s just a helpful way for me to think about what I should and shouldn’t tolerate in my friends and significant others.

I tend to stay in relationships far past their due date. When I encounter disrespect or disinterest from a guy, I tend to redouble my efforts as if I alone can make it work.  Then, I finally just get tired of feeling anxious, disappointed, and neglected.  I get fed up with feeling starved of love and attention.  Some of that can be solved by giving myself more love and attention (going to the gym, cooking more, etc.) but it’s also a result of me giving more time, energy, and attention way more than I am receiving.

I also try not to take it personally. It’s not that Mr. C doesn’t love me; it’s just that our relationship is not a priority for him right now. He hasn’t made it to Steve Harvey’s place of security in his title, money, and whatever else it is, so there’s nothing I can do to make him ready. I could wait around for him to “get his” but I’d be putting my life on hold. He obviously wants to focus on being in B-School, getting settled in his career, etc.  If he had showed me that he could balance our relationship and his hustle, I’d still be there.  It was just obvious to me that he wasn’t willing to.

I also have faith that God wouldn’t make the one guy for me out of my reach.  I want me and Mr. C to be together, but not if it means I have to wait around for two years for him to even think about getting engaged. I’m going to go live my life, date other guys (this is very important to my bouncing back rather than sinking further in), and he can knock on my door if he ever is ready–and maybe I’ll be single and interested.

That last paragraph is the one that helps me the most. I heard a quote that God never gives you a dream without the means to accomplish it, so (most of the time), I don’t fear being one of the “Black women who will never find love.” Why? Because I’ve learned to open my heart to good men in whatever color they come in. I still need to be physically attracted, emotionally attracted, etc., but my experience with Mr. C taught me how important it is to love the guys who love you in actions and their words–not the ones you wish would love you.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, successful, ambitious, and inspiring. I know the semi-single life gets very discouraging at times. My main advice to you is to have an open heart and open mind and to let go of anything or anyone that does not serve your higher good.  Abundance is your destiny–not scarcity!
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